The Curious Case Files of the Mysterious Portal
by Atrusa Solaris
Summary: If you've read Pisses me off, you know about the infamous Portal. What exactly has the thing spat out over time that's has everyone in a tizzy? These case files explore the stories of encounters with The Annoyances. No one is safe. Sue bashing overload
1. Intro and Fangirls

It Had To Be Done. They've had it coming.

Disclaimer. I Do not own Naruto.

This will be updated along with the Adventures of Jefafa in Ninja Land, also known as Pisses Me Off. No worries. Although you might want to read Pisses me off to understand some of the jokes. In any case, enjoy.

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It may not be well known to outsiders, but inside every major Hidden Village, there is a thing that causes terror to even the Kages, annoyance, lust and occasionally suicidal behavior. The Portal. No one knew when it would appear, it just did. It never really was a good thing when it appeared either. You see, The Portal tended to chuck random things out. The most harmless thing being a shoe, probably the most dangerous hazard-wise being a blue Prius driven by a pimp who was in actuality a puppet. But that's a different story.

No, aside from those things, the Portal most of the time managed to throw out the same thing in different forms. The Annoyances. Many stories through the years have been passed down from shinobi to shinobi around a campfire while on missions about these beings. Some say, they can only be killed with silver kunai soaked in holy water, others say that their stare can turn even the gayest man straight (if not temporarily) but most can agree on one thing: They were unholy beings that needed to be ended.

The following stories are experiences some shinobi have come across when dealing with these demonic beings. Our first takes place on the outskirts of Konoha…

Shikamaru trudged down the road. Guard duty sucked. It was so troublesome. Temari had been held up by a sandstorm and therefore, instead of escorting her around Konoha, he was assigned this troublesome task until she arrived. All seemed clear. He plopped down on the side of the road and soon fell asleep.

He was soon rudely awoken by a grating noise. He looked up and saw a giant Portal spinning nearby on the road. He jumped to his feet and attempted to use the radio, but the frequency turned up as white noise. Not Good. From this portal dropped out three humanoid figures before closing off. Shikamaru tried the radio again and immediately got the guard tower.

"Get someone over here. We've got trouble." He immediately shot his shadow off in the direction of the crumpled bodies which now were stirring.

"What the hell? I can't move!" Came the whine of a young teenaged girl. "Can you guys move?"

"Shut up Amanda. No I can't! What about you Kayci?" Another snapped.

"Nope. Hehehe…penguins." The one named Kayci giggled.

"This is not the time to be weird!" Amanda whined. "Raven, make her stop."

He now saw that the girl Raven was dressed in dark clothes with rips and chain while the others had on different clothes. Ripped jeans, tee-shirts boasting images of a pale guy with the words Twilight emblazoned upon the chest and the girl Amanda with tank, shorts and flip flops.

"Oh my Edward! It's Shikamaru!" Kayci suddenly squealed. Shikamaru quickly backed up and wondered how they knew his name and more importantly, where the hell was that backup? "You Totally shouldn't be with Temari! You should totally be with Ino!!!" She squealed.

What. The. Hell?

"Oh my gawd you are so fuckin weird!" Raven snapped.

"Shut up you're jus mad that it isn't Gaara." The blonde stuck her tongue out.

Shikamaru suddenly spotted a figure down the road, traveling a fast pace. Thank god! Temari! She quickly stopped when she saw the situation then cautiously approached.

"Oh my gawd! It's Temari!" Amanda squealed. "You've got to show me how to get my hair that way!"

Temari gave Shikamaru a 'What the hell?' look.

"Hey! You back off of Shikamaru! He's Ino's man!" Kayci proclaimed angrily. "I've written too many fanfiction and done too much fanart for you two to blow it now!"

"So you're Gaara's sister…He single, looking, what?" Raven casually asked.

"Fangirls." Temari spoke bluntly. "Oh come on now lazy-ass, I would have expected you to know how to deal with this species of The Annoyance by now! The Portal chuck them out?"

"Yeah! The giant spinning portal of Doom thingy threw us out here!" Amanda beamed.

"I regret you saying that." Temari sighed. "Watch closely Shikamaru." Temari unhooked her fan from her back and swung it out and she gave a fake angsty sigh. The Portal starting reappearing gradually. Temari gave a huge swing with the fan as Shikamaru released his jutsu and the girls were sent screaming back into The Portal as it snapped back shut.

"What. Were. They?" Shikamaru demanded, still scared.

"Fangirls. We tend to treat them a bit better than the more advanced species of The Annoyance. They aren't dangerous, just annoying. Sending them back from whence they came is usually the best." Temari shrugged. "Now, you owe me dango for this." She grinned cheekily as she started off towards the village. How Troublesome.

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Reviews equal love. xD


	2. Chapter 2: Fangirls explored

Disclaimer: I do not Own Naruto

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Portal Encyclopedia:

_**Fangirl**: Considered the least threatening species of The Annoyance, fangirls are pre-teen or young teenaged girls of varying normality and weirdness. Can travel solo or in packs up to five. The Fangirl often attacks shinobi proclaiming to know them, everything about them and tries to invoke feelings between the two. Can be gotten rid of fairly easy and in a humane way._

Kiba threw a stick. "Fetch Akamaru!" The tiny dog took off while the stick still airborne. The stick hit something in the grass that yelped loudly. A tomboyish girl sat up in the long grass.

"Oh shit! Ticks!" She jumped up and began furiously swatting at her jeans and Metallica shirt with a baseball cap.

"Hey, you! State your business!" Kiba barked as Akamaru began to growl.

"What the hell? You're Kiba Inuzuka! That mean's I'm…" She trailed off while looking around. Her dreams had finally come true. She was in the Naruto-verse! Finally, away from her uncaring father and drunken mother.

"You didn't answer my question!"

"Awww…Akamaru!" The girl grinned. "My name's Hailey!" Akamaru growled.

"Fangirl."

"A what?"

"Fangirl. Kill it."

"Um…what's he saying?" Hailey chuckled nervously.

"Nothing. Uh, let's go back in the Village."

"Seriously?"

"Sure."

_**Fangirl cont.**: If one encounters such being, it is advisable to not bring them into any Ninja Village. They may suddenly evolve into a slightly greater species of Annoyance and it is harder to convince The Portal to take them back._

The two walked in silence, filled by Akamaru's growls and the girl's happy humming. Five minutes after they entered the gates a weird look passed over Hailey's face. Kiba gave her a puzzled look and they headed towards the Hokage Tower.

"Hey, Kiba, guess what? I can understand birds!" Hailey suddenly chirped. "I noticed it when we entered the Village."

"That's nice." He didn't know what this girl was, but Tsunade-sama would deal with it.

"You know, I've had the biggest crush on you for quite some time."

"Kiba!" Kurenai's voice came out from behind them, harsh and sharp. Kiba sighed, grateful for his sensei's intervention.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Who's this?"

"I'm Hailey! I can talk to birds!" Kurenai stared at her. Then at Kiba as if to say 'Kiba. I taught you better than this.'

"Did you come from outside the village near a field?"

"How did you know?"

"Come on, let's go." Kurenai sighed.

"Go? Go where? Am I going to meet Tsunade? How about Kakashi? Ooh, maybe even Jiraiya?" Hailey asked excitedly.

"No."

"KIBA!" Naruto stormed up. "You have some nerve you know! Telling Teuchi that I was now a loyal customer at that rival Ramen stand when I was on a mission!"

"You'll do." Kurenai grabbed Naruto and dragged him with Hailey outside the gates.

"Hey! Hey! What's going on?" Naruto shrieked.

"Just start training and thinking about your past in an angsty fashion." She replied in a bored tone.

"Oh…She one of _them_?" Naruto pointed bluntly at Hailey.

"HEY! What are you talking about? My name's Hailey! I was just minding my own business while reading manga trying to escape the realty that my dad's an asshole and my mom won't do anything about it when a portal appeared and the next thing I know I'm here. So Buzz off!"

"Yeah, one of them." Naruto nodded. He closed his eyes and screwed up his face when eventually The Portal began to open.

"Ok, back in the Portal."

"No! I'm having too much FUN!" Hailey screamed, hair flying. "COME MY PRETTIES!" Birds began flocking to her.

"Not good."

"FLY MY PRETTIES! FLY! FLY! FLY!" The birds picked Hailey up and began heading in a Northern direction and the portal began to close.

"Well that takes care of that." Naruto stated. "She's the Sound's problem now."

Kurenai stared at the girl awhile before turning and heading back to the village. As much as she disliked the idea, Orochimaru would deal with her accordingly.

Some time later, the birds dropped the girl in the middle of Nowhere.

"Where's this?"

In two seconds she was hit by several kunai and the birds dispersed.

"Ugh, one of_ them_." Karin kicked the body.

"Now Karin, play nice." Kabuto sneered.

"But she's already dead."

"I know, but still. I can finally experiment on this thing…"

"You're creepy." Karin stated as Kabuto swung their prize over his shoulder.

"I get that a lot."

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Review! Next Time: More exploration into the more Evolved species of the Annoyance: Evolved Fangirls.


	3. Chapter 3: Evolved Fangirls and Agendas

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

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_Portal Encyclopedia:_

_ **Evolved Fangirl: **Fangirl that has been allowed into one of the Hidden Villages normally begins to gain strange powers. If left to own devices, these quickly can escalated into a Level one Annoyance. Powers are usually used to create new jutsus. At this point, The Portal will refuse re-entry._

Jessie shook her head as she sat up in what looked like a hospital room. The only odd thing was that the door was sliding. She had only seen those in…no… it couldn't be. The door slid open and a nurse walked in.

"Oh my, my, my! I do say, you've given these kids quite a scare young miss." The nurse tutted. "Attacking Genin is not encouraged. Especially when they found you on the academy roof."

Jessie looked dumbfounded. She had attacked…Genin? NARUTO! She sat up quickly and felt awkward. She looked down to see her baby-fat had melted off and instead there were rock hard abs and her boobs…they had grown.

_ **Evolved Fangirl cont.: **Often, physical appearances can change. Usu. Increasing speed, fitness and appearances. Occasionally marks appear such as demon seals. If these changes occur, you do have level 1 Annoyance on your hands. Kill it_.

"May I have a mirror?" Jessie asked nervously.

"Of course, here." The nurse pulled out a mirror from her pocket. Jessie saw her eyes had changed from dull brown to a more clarified amber. Dull red hair now a shining copper and a black mark creeping out from the neck of the hospital gown. She quickly pulled it aside to see the swirls of a curse mark.

"Tell me, where is Kakashi?" She asked softly.

"I'm not sure. He's probably on a mission. Should I send for him when he returns?"

"Yes please. He needs to seal this off." Jessie replied.

"Stop right there Nika!" Tsunade flung open the door.

"Tsunade-sama…" Jessie whispered in awe. "OH MY GOD I AM LIKE YOUR BIGGEST FAN!"

"That's nice. Tell me, have you experienced any changes?" Tsunade demanded.

"Well, um." Jessie was dumbfounded. Her idol was yelling at her? "My boobs are bigger, my hair and eyes are prettier and I have this curse mark that needs to be sealed off."

"Lets see. Nika! Was she like this when Konohamaru brought her in?" Tsunade glared at Nika.

"No Tsunade-sama. She was ordinary now I think about it." Nika started then stopped in horror at what she had been treating. "You mean…? I've been treating one of them?"

"A what? " Jessie looked at them confused. "What's going on Tsunade-sama? Oh please let me train under you so I can outshine Sakura and she can go back to being a nobody like before Shippuuden?"

"Exactly." With that, those were the last words Jessie heard before waking up in her own bed at home with a giant headache, small boobs and dull eyes and hair. She still had the mark though.

"Tsunade! Forgive me! I did not know!" The nurse pleaded as the girl disappeared into a cloud of vanilla scented steam.

"Nika! This is third time this month! You let the other two out before I inspected them! We were cleaning up after them for days! One of them even advanced a level! You are out!"

"That's where you're wrong! They deserve to live and thrive! They are the future of Konoha if we harness their abilities!" The nurse's demeanor changed dramatically. "Soon we won't need shinobi!" She gave an evil laugh as she pulled back her collar to reveal her own curse seal. "And soon, we Sues will rule the ninja world!"

Tsunade quickly tried to slam her skull in. Nika was too quick and soon attempted to knock out Tsunade.

"You see Tsunade-sama, I've evolved. No longer am I a lousy level one you can easily annihilate like Jessie. I'm a level two. You're going to have to fight me!" She lit her fist alight with chakra as she made like Kabuto and attempted to slice her muscles. Fortunately, Tsunade dodged and returned the attack tenfold.

"There will be more of us Tsunade! The Portal is on our side!" Nurse Nika yelled and she dissolved into a cloud of scented pink smoke.

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Reviews let me know how I'm doing….sooooo Review! I'll update Pisses me off soon. I'm going on a road trip! So I'll have lots of time to write before posting when I arrive at my destination! xD


	4. Chapter 4: Level twos

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

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**Portal Encyclopedia:**

_Level two: Considered the most mild of the dangerous kind. This species has evolved past level one (or Evolved Fangirl). Often has powers and a place in the Village/World._

Kitsuya grunted as she climbed down the cliff face. Becoming frustrated, she jumped back and free fell to what would have been a sure death into the river below if she had not activated her chakra to land gracefully onto the water. She would not let her village down! After all, being found in the forest with no memory and taken in by a respected ninja family, she now owned them all a huge debt.

It had been three days since they had taken her adopted brother/lover. The village Jinchuuriki. She had fought viciously against all of them to save them and managed to fend them off. Not before the other one grabbed him of course. She had pursued them the entire time, spying, getting into the strange pair's minds. If they had any that was.

She had spied on the blonde one before this. She used the same hand sign only to receive a blast of water to the face.

'Time to use that eh?' She thought as she opened her mouth to let out an unearthly screech which shattered the boulder and made the squirrels in the trees fall dead. The daylight Illuminated the inside to reveal a very shell shocked looking Akatsuki clan. Kisame had already fallen off the giant hand and laid in fetal position shivering while holding his ears.

"I am Kitsuya of The Village in the Grass! I have come to annihilate all of you to avenge our Jinchuuriki!" And my love. She added mentally.

"Great, another one. Hidan!" The hologram of Pein muttered as the rest of the Akatsuki stared blankly at the beautiful girl in front of them.

"Gladly." Hidan leapt off the finger and started swinging his scythe around.

"Too slow!" Kitsuya yelled as she came up and kicked him in the face.

"Not really." Hidan snapped as the scythe whipped up from behind and nicked her.

"Shit!" She snarled. Time to use it again. She opened her mouth to let out another deadly shriek as Zetsu appeared behind her and shut her mouth.

"Maybe we shouldn't kill her." Tobi piped up. "She's cute."

"Shut up Tobi!" Deidara snarled. "She doesn't belong here, yeah!"

"She was stalking you. I think she likes you!" Tobi grinned behind his mask.

Kitsuya watched the two in apprehension. What the Hell? She bit Zetsu.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Itachi commented dryly. The others were now lounging, watching the proceedings as if it were a tv show. "He bites back."

She let out the shriek while she had time and Hidan and Zetsu fell as the others (With the exception of Sasori) plugged their ears and opened their mouths against any concussions. Rocks fell around them as the noise bounced off the cavern walls and the giant hands were becoming damaged. Never had the cavern taken that much damage! The Maids in other parts of the hideout heard echoes and immediately began retreating into the area reserved in case of attack. Never had the Akatsuki had this kind of power in their midst.

_Level Two cont. : Often, they have a distinguishing and signature jutsu which usually deems them a one trick pony. Although powerful and capable of many feats, once that is gone, they usually have nothing and are rendered defenseless. The Portal does not accept Level Twos or Ones back. Level Ones when destroyed are sent back to their world with little damage. Level Two are returned with some damage. Level Threes are destroyed completely._

The Puppet Master had come over as she still screamed and gagged her.

"Was that so difficult?" He asked dully.

The last thing Kitsuya saw was Sasori's blade emerge from his arm. She awoke in her bed back home with excruciating pain in her stomach. She lifted her shirt to see a scar which was flaming red. She raced to the mirror to see her beautiful looks were gone and once more, her face had revealed it's barely visible acne scars and freckles. Her body was no longer as fit as an athlete. Her hair dull with split ends once more. She had returned to normal. She fell upon the bed sobbing as her little brother walked in.

"What the matter with you Heidi?"

"Shut up!" She screamed. Her scream was high and piercing, but no longer devastating. A dream. It had all been a dream.

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Review! It lets me know how I'm doing. Pisses me Off will be updated sometime this week. It's winding down to an end which is sad, but whatever.


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